


A Fear of Falling Under

by botherd



Category: Skins RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-23
Updated: 2009-09-23
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/botherd/pseuds/botherd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The first time they kiss is almost comical in its awkwardness.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fear of Falling Under

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of... an exercise in ~minimalism. I'm not entirely sure how successful it is.

The first emotion Kat remembers associating with Lily is fear.

She can't quite place it. There's no reason she should feel this way about a girl she only vaguely remembers from drama lessons, but there's something about the way Lily looks at her that gives her the feeling of vertigo.

She doesn't let it show. Kat's a better actor than people give her credit for.

\---

The first time they kiss is almost comical in its awkwardness.

It's not that Kat's nervous about kissing a _girl_\--she's seventeen and no stranger to alcohol--but there's something about kissing Lily that unnerves her.

It's only acting, she tells herself, and when her dialogue comes out breathless, she congratulates herself on channeling Emily so well.

\---

By the time they start shooting Naomi's episode, they're friends, and that makes things easier and harder all at once.

Kissing Lily on camera, Kat's so used to feeling alone, embarrassed, like she sticks out and everyone notices. (Good thing she's not a boy, she tells herself, and the director tells her off for ruining the take by laughing.) This time, nearly naked in the woods with so many people watching, it's different; Lily smiles at her, awkwardly reassuring, and even as Kat's heart flops over in her chest, she smiles back. They share something, something a little like camaraderie but not quite, and she realises that she's not quite alone in this.

Lily jokes around, after, the last vestiges of her initial shyness gone--or transferred to Kat, who's lucky if she can form a coherent sentence around Lily, no matter how much she tells herself to get it together.

\---

Somehow, Meg finds out.

They're at home, and Meg's in her room, practising the drums for so long that Kat can feel her patience stretching thin until it finally snaps.

"Shut the fuck up," she says, barging into Meg's room. She's met with Meg's best glare.

"I'm using mutes, yeah," she says. "I'm being _quiet_."

"Yeah, so fucking quiet I can hear you at the other end of the house." She snatches the drumsticks from Meg's hands, but stops short of snapping them, mostly because she knows she wouldn't actually be able to.

Meg motions towards her but stops abruptly. "You should tell her, you know."

"Tell who what?"

"Tell Lily you're in love with her."

Kat's hands go slack, and Meg snatches the drumsticks off her, carries on drumming harder than before.

\---

She doesn't see Lily much after they wrap filming series three. When she does, she tries not to seem _too_ enthusiastic.

When she draws a beauty mark on Lily's face as they're getting ready for a film premiere, just as joke, Lily laughs, but she doesn't wipe it off.

"You're ridiculous, Prescott," Lily says, eyebrows raised, and Kat just laughs, maybe blushes a little.

"Yeah, so I've heard." She leans back, away from Lily and the urge to smudge her stupid red lipstick.

\---

On her eighteenth birthday, Kat gets wasted.

She ends up outside, sat on the pavement and shivering even in her hoodie, when Lily stumbles out of the club, digital camera in hand.

"Say cheese," Lily says, but she's stumbling in her absurd heels and she doesn't get a picture, not until she's sitting beside Kat and holding the camera in front of them, pulling a face. Kat shuts her eyes, protesting, but she sees the flash go off behind her eyelids and when she tries to look at Lily, she's blinded.

She finds Lily's lips more by instinct than anything else, sliding her mouth against waxy lipstick. She hopes she makes a mess.

"You're drunk," Lily says when she pulls away.

"So are you," Kat retorts, and leans forward again. "It's my birthday. I want a fucking kiss on my birthday."

"Does that mean I have to go and snog Meg as well?" Lily says with a smile. "It's her birthday too."

Kat shuts her up with another kiss, and this time Lily doesn't pull away.

\---

They don't talk about it afterwards, and sometimes Kat can't help wondering if it even actually happened; her memory's that hazy. Lily starts dropping more mentions of her boyfriend into conversation, and that's all that needs to be said.

\---

Kat finds herself a boyfriend. He's nice and fun and not Lily, and there are no messy, complicated feelings involved. He's exactly what she needs: a distraction.

She doesn't think about him very much when he's not there.

\---

Filming starts again. More scenes equals more time in Bristol equals more Lily. Kat's not disappointed.

When she casually mentions her boyfriend for the first time, there's something about the way that Lily visibly relaxes that makes Kat feel sick.

"Yeah?" Lily says. "Funny, I never pegged you as some sort of heterosexual."

She knows Lily's only messing around, but Kat still finds herself getting defensive. "He's just one person," she says. "I'm not anything."

"All right," Lily says, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Kat says, but she's not sure it's the right response. She can't shake the feeling that she's fucked up, but she can't figure out how.

\---

The boyfriend doesn't last long. When Kat breaks up with him, he asks for a reason why. She doesn't know how to say that there's no reason why they should have been together in the first place.

\---

Most of the time when Kat's in Bristol, Lily is too. They share an apartment, and despite this _thing_ that Kat can't quite get rid of, she manages to control herself. Mostly.

One evening Lily's off out, and even though Kat's too knackered to go with her she watches as Lily leaves. Lily pulls on this stupid beige hat she has and Kat tugs at it, disapprovingly.

"That hat's ridiculous."

Lily smirks. "Your _face_ is ridiculous."

Kat kisses her.

She'd thought it would be different, kissing _Lily_ instead of kissing _Naomi_, but it's really not. Better, though, because this time it's unscripted, but still familiar enough to feel _right_.

When Lily pulls away a moment later she looks a little flushed, breathless. "I always knew you liked me, Kitty Kat," she says, laughing slightly.

"Yeah, well," Kat says, "even Meg figured that one out, and she's a bit slow."

"You know we can't, though, right? I'm with someone."

Kat nods slowly. Of course she knows. And if she'd hoped that this might change things, well, she tries not to let her disappointment show. "Right, obviously." She manages a smile. "It's no big deal."

"Good," Lily says. "I don't want things to get weird."

\---

Things get weird.

\---

Filming starts drawing to a close, and Kat spends more of her downtime poring over university prospectuses than scripts.

Lily wanders over and flips through the stack, eventually saying, "You know London has universities too, right?"

"I think I want to start afresh somewhere new." Kat shrugs. "I mean, isn't that what uni's about?"

"I wouldn't know." There's silence for a minute, then Lily holds up the prospectus for St Andrew's. "Scotland, though?"

"I've never been."

"Yeah, but why would you want to?"

Kat looks at her, raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to miss me, is that what you're saying?"

"Of course I'm going to fucking miss you."

It almost feels like something's going to happen, but the moment's lost when they're called over to start rehearsing their final scenes.

Kat's the best she's ever been.

\---

She sees Lily a handful of time after filming for promotion-related purposes, but after the interviews are over they find they have little to say.

\---

For the finale, the whole cast crowds into Kaya's flat to watch. Kat sits on the opposite side of the sofa to Lily and says nothing. They're all surprisingly quiet as they watch, even during the advert breaks, the weight of something unsaid hanging over them. It doesn't _have_ to be the last time they're all sat in a room together, but it's no secret that it probably will be.

Kat watches Emily and Naomi unravel on screen, but it's too much; before the episode's over she stands up and walks out onto Kaya's tiny balcony, the sort that can barely hold two people. She listens to the sounds of London moving in the night and realises for the first time just how badly she wants to get out of here, wishes she hadn't wasted three spots on her UCAS application on London universities.

Before the episode's quite at an end, the door slides open behind her and Lily joins her on the balcony, offering a fag, which Kat takes without a word.

"Couldn't bear to watch?" Lily asks, and Kat shrugs. "I thought you _wanted_ Emily to find a nice gay girl who actually appreciated her."

Kat exhales, feeling the smoke sting her eyes when the breeze blows it back. "Yeah, but, she doesn't love her. She loves... you." She doesn't bother with the pretense of correcting herself. She doesn't even look at Lily, instead concentrates on a random part of the unimpressive view.

Placing a hand on Kat's arm, Lily starts to say something, but Kat interrupts, finally meeting her eyes.

"I just... I thought we would get a happier ending than they did, that's all." And because there's nowhere else to go from here, she kisses Lily--really kisses her, the way she's always wanted to but never has.

When they break apart, Lily looks flushed, her eyes dark. "I can't promise you a happy ending, Kat. You know I can't," she says, and Kat nods.

"Yeah, I know," Kat says, but she can't leave things there. "But how about--how about a beginning?"

"A beginning?" Lily looks out at the skyline, then back at Kat. She shrugs, smiles a bit. "Yeah, all right. I think I could manage one of those."


End file.
